So, pity I haven’t been keeping this journal as well as I was supposed to be…things got a bit flat there for a while. I didn’t seem to be making any improvement, and it felt a bit frustrating and was starting to get me down. And last night, everyone was having a good night except me. They have been Christmas work shows for the last eight or so weeks (of course) which makes the audience even more unpredictable. For someone like me who is still pretty hit and miss at best. There have been a few good nights (for me, I stress again, most of the others are having pretty much good nights all the time), but last night wasn’t one of them. You can tell you haven’t had a good night when none of the others look at you when you come off. I was feeling bad about it all day. Just felt like it wasn’t going to work. I think by now that I am so aware of my flat spots and somehow – even though there’s more good bits than flat bits – they have grown to take over how I feel. I even bore myself when I’m up there. Obviously, it showed. Even a couple of my never-fails, failed.
I slunk home, and thought about giving it all away.
And then, when I was getting ready for tonight, I thought: nah, just get rid of that front section. Lose the introduction. Like it’s clever and all that, but it really isn’t funny. I have been trying to tell myself just get through this part of the year, then close that off, then come back to it all next year. But I thought (bravely) just get rid of it now.
But then, when I was rehearsing on the way in, I realised that I’ve got a tiny callback to the intro (also not working) and goodness me I couldn’t possibly make two changes in one night. So I should just go ahead and stick to my script even though I know it’s not going to work.
But then, sitting around beforehand, coach man said ‘we just need to try and work out why they’re not reacting to you the way they should’ and I said ‘I thought about losing the first bit’ and he says ‘try it’ and I said ‘oh, but I haven’t rehearsed’ and he said ‘try it, they can’t hurt you can they, like not physically’.
And so I did. And it was much smoother. And I felt better about being on stage. And I wasn’t boring and a bit of the spark was back. And I could feel them listening to me again.
So, lesson from tonight: if you think you have an idea about how to fix something, just go right ahead and do it. Because if what you’re already doing isn’t working anyway, what does it matter if what you try to do to fix it doesn’t work either?
Am tempted to go and watch quizmania, but there’s still the food for Christmas to be bought tomorrow, so I really should go to sleep.